Cinder Zilla
Cinder Zilla
Once Upon a Time, not that long ago, in a land really rather close to this one there lived a girl called Cinder Zilla, daughter of Brian and Mandy Zilla. They had called their darling daughter Cinder because as a bun Cinder had stayed in the oven for far too long. On arrival Cinder was as big as a baby buffalo but much less pleasant. The midwife who had the unfortunate task of heaving Cinder into the world had announced that she was so over cooked she ought to be a cinder by now. To the moronic Mandy Cinder sounded like a pretty name for a pretty ugly baby.
It’s fair to say that Brian and Mandy were not the most proficient parents, that is to say they were complete cretins. They were however ridiculously rich having won a quadruple roll-over on the EuroGazzillions lottery. They used this money to buy their beloved beast anything and everything she could possibly want. Cinder only had to bellow and she was given her heart’s desire. This might not have been so decidedly disastrous but she was by nature a brute. Her naturally nasty disposition coupled with being royally ruined resulted in her being the most unpleasant creature you could ever encounter.
Cinder was enormous and blessed with the complexion of an acne prone toad because all she would eat were sweets, crispsand other rot. On top of this she smelled worse than a warthog’s farts as she did not bath…ever. If that weren’t enough to deter you her bullying ways would be. She had been thrown out of every school within a fifty-mile radius of her family’s mansion, Zilla Towers, for acts so vile that I simply cannot bear to mention them. Suffice to say one of her lesser crimes against humanity had been to tie a caretaker to the bottom of a polishing machine and use him to clean a school hall floor because he had told her off for trailing dog poo through the corridors. That had been in school number seventeen.
She was so distinctly disgusting in every way that she had even appeared on a television show hosted by Jeremy Vile for DNA testing to determine if she were in fact part troll. Despite all evidence to the contrary the test proved that she was wholly human.
By the age of sixteen Cinder’s mum was out of the picture. Having failed to book Cinder’s best beloved boyband, the non-descript No Direction, for the mountainous monster’s birthday bash, Mandy Zilla died unexpectedly in an unfortunate accident involving an ornamental garden pond and Cinder’s foot pressing down on her head. Once the funeral was over Brian discovered that being the richest man around made remarrying easy and after only two dates he tied the knot with a lovely lady called Courtney. She had two sons called Hilary and Hayley who were lovely lads even though they were slightly sissified. Courtney had always wanted a daughter…until she met Cinder. Within a week of moving into Zilla Towers Courtney had hired a nanny, ditched the kids and flown off to Magaluf with Brian.
Left alone in Zilla Towers, with the terrified nanny tightly tethered to the kitchen table, Cinder spent several weeks mirthfully mistreating her step brothers. She had them squeeze her spots every morning, scrape the dead skin off her feet each lunch time and comb her arm pit hair before bed. Hilary and Hayley prayed for a miracle to save them, and because they were proactive little boys they also wrote a strongly worded letter to the Union of Fairy Godmothers demanding that they send someone along at their earliest convenience if it wasn’t too much trouble. Unfortunately, Cinder intercepted the Union’s reply whilst tipping the postman upside down and shaking him by the ankles as she enjoyed doing most days so the boys didn’t know that they were meant to be in the woods gathering sticks at 4pm the following day.
The next afternoon Cinder had the boys gather up a pile of sticks for her then she gave each of them a good kick and told them to naff off. She sat down and ate four bars of chocolate, three packets of crisps and a jar of pickled eggs while she waited for the Fairy Godmother to arrive. At 4pm exactly, because Fairies are particularly punctual, a wizened old woman appeared in the clearing and asked Cinder if she had any spare firewood. Doing her best to look feeble and forlorn Cinder offered her the wood that the boys had piled up earlier. With the formalities out of the way the old woman cast off her cloak and transformed into the standard twinkly garb that is the uniform of a Union Fairy. This particular fairy was called Agnes.
Now Cinder was a dirty degenerate but she wasn’t dim and she knew that it wouldn’t take the fairy long to realise that Cinder wasn’t a damsel in distress or a mistreated minion. As soon as that happened Agnes would be off like a shot without so much as a wave of her wand. In short she knew she had to act quickly. Pouncing with all the agility of an enraged rhino Cinder grabbed the fairy, hoisted her over her shoulder and hotfooted it back home. Once there she used fast drying No More Screws glue to stick Agnes to her bedroom wall. At the mercy of such a gut-churningly grotesque girl the fairy found she had no choice other than to go along with the bullyingbehemoth’s sickening scheme.
As Cinder already had everything that money could buy she set her sordid sights on love. What she wanted more than anything in the world was to wed Hairy Styles - lead singer of the world famous boyband No Direction. Cinder demanded that Agnes turn her into a stellar stunner, get her to the No Direction gig and give her a VIP access all areas pass. Of course magic can do wondrous stuff, it can turn a pumpkin into a coach or a mouse into a horse but it does have limits. Turning Cinder into a veritable vision of Venus was beyond even the most masterly magician, she was just too gruesomely grotesque. Agnes knew that explaining that to Cinder would have been hazardous for her health so she did the next best thing. If you have never met one this ought to demonstrate to you that fairies are remarkably quick witted creatures. Rather than changing the way Cinder looked, Agnes changed her reflection so that when she checked herself out Cinder saw a marvel in the mirror. Cinder’s mirror image was magnificent but unbeknown to her she was still utterly unsightly.
Feeling fabulous, Cinder left the fairy firmly glued to her bedroom wall in case she thought of anything else she might want to wish for and headed off to the gig with the usual warnings about being back before midnight ringing in her ears.
Now, I do hope you haven’t forgotten about the hapless Hilary and Hayley. When the clock struck eight the two terrified tots tiptoed into Cinder’s room carrying the dreaded arm pit hair brushes. There they found the feeble fairy stuck fast to the wall. Having suffered at the hands of Cinder for quite some time and been victims to the alarming adhesive on more than one occasion the boys wisely had a stash of No More Screws solvent so were able to release the fixed fairy in next to no time. Vowing vengeance, the three victims set off in hot pursuit.
At the gig Cinder had arrived and hurriedly headed back stage to find her heartthrob Hairy. He was on stage giving it rock all when Cinder emerged from the darkness in all her ghastly glory. One look at this frightful, fungus covered fiend was enough to strike terror into his heart. He swung the mike stand with all his might and launched Cinder off the stage into the alarmed audience. Her flight was fleeting but it gave the crowd just enough time to clear a space. Cinder hit the floor with a sickening thud. At this point Agnes and the boysarrived. Whilst Cinder was down there was a frantic flurry of baton bandying from the furious fairy. In a blaze of blue light Cinder transformed from a skank into a rather angry looking skink.
Hairy Styles and the other members of No Direction we so impressed by the pyrotechnics that they hired the fairy to do the special effects for all of their future gigs. This gave Agnes a considerable pay rise which meant she could afford to adoptthe heroic Hilary and Hayley. The courts were happy for the adoption to go ahead despite it being an inter-species adoption as fairies are marvellously maternal, unlike gnomes.
Once October came the bars in Magaluf closed for the season. Courtney and Brian returned to Zilla Towers where they found Cinder the skink in a terrarium. As she still smelled distinctly disgusting they gave her away to the local zoo. The zoo’s reptile specialist was delighted as it turned out she was a Bermuda skink which is really rather a rare breed.
No one knows what happened to the nanny.
On the whole they all lived happily ever after, apart from Cinder who spent the rest of her life eating insects.
