The Wonderful World of Bad Dog Booboo
Bad Dog Booboo was a wonderful dog. In fact he was marvellous, fantastic, splendid, fabulous…but sometimes the people who lived in his house didn’t seem to understand this. He was almost one and had lovely white fur which was particularyly good at collecting dirt and smells. He had little legs which could move very fast when he wanted them to. His face was especially gorgeous with little black eyes and a wet black nose and he had one white ear which was floppy and one brown ear which stood up straight.
Bad Dog Booboo lived in a cottage in the countryside with his mother Big Dog Ben. He knew Big Dog Ben was his mother for several reasons. Big Dog Ben was always there and always had been, he washed Bad Dog Booboo’s ears, he played with him and he told him off if he was naughty. Bad Dog Booboo was waiting to look a bit more like his mother,he really, really wanted to be big enough to lift food off the worktop in the kitchen because sometimes the people in the house forgot to give him things like cheese or meat. It seemed to be taking a long time to get that big.
Bad Dog Booboo also lived with a black, pointy dog called Jasper who did not seem to like Bad Dog Booboo. Jasper did not like to share his bed or his toys and got really grumpy when Bad Dog Booboo tried to play with him by biting his ankles. Jasper sometimes growled at Bad Dog Booboo so he was best avoided.
In Bad Dog Booboo’s house there were some people too. They came in handy for things like food and water but they were a bit of a nuisance most of the time. There were four people. One was smaller and was quite quick. That one often had little snacks and nice soft things to chew so she was worth keeping an eye on. If Bad Dog Booboo was fast enough he could jump onto the chair or table and help himself to her food and be off before she started to shout. And sometimes she didn’t shut doors so he could sneak into rooms or off out into the garden. Bad Dog Booboo especially liked this one.
Then there was another one who often had nice things to eat but this one was different. She was tall and spent a lot of time in her own kennel upstairs. Bad Dog Booboo had only been in there once or twice but she kept it looking lovely. There were snacks all over the place, in the bed, under the bed and on the floor. There were also lovely smelly clothes scattered about the place which made it more homely, books and other chew toys everywhere and a big bed with lots of crumpled blankets for curling up on. Yes, this one knew how to live.
The other two seemed to head up the people pack. One was really big and quite growly. He never seemed to understand how helpful Bad Dog Booboo was and often seemed to be quite cross. Bad Dog Booboo wondered if he was a little bit jealous of how splendid Bad Dog Booboo was. It wasn’t all bad though because this one always gave him breakfast and dinner so Bad Dog Booboo put up with him and let him stay. The second one who was absolutely in charge of the people pack had a nice soft lap for snuggling on and seemed to like giving out little bits of cheese for no apparent reason. She would stand in front of Bad Dog Booboo and squeak on a bit, and then when he got tired of standing looking at her and sat down she would give him a bit of cheese. It seemed to keep her happy.
As mentioned earlier the people Bad Dog Booboo kept did not always understand him. So when he went outside and squeezed under the fence to find something lovely like sheep poo to roll in so that he smelled nice for them they would all shout at him. Then the tall one with the nice kennel would pour water all over him, rub stinky gloop on him then pour even more water over him. This was no way to treat a dog of Bad Dog Booboo’s status so he would go and sit in his bed and ignore them. If they didn’t notice him ignoring them he would go and sit right next to them and ignore them some more.
When Bad Dog Booboo went out into the garden to make sure the chickens were behaving themselves the people behaved very badly indeed. Bad Dog Booboo would be doing his best to round the feathery things up by chasing them round and round the garden. He really did like the way they clucked and flapped and scurried about. But if a hen turned around and started chasing Bad Dog Booboo the people would all laugh. They would all be laughing loudly as Bad Dog Booboo was running for his life with a hen trying to eat him! Bad Dog Booboo thought this was disgraceful behaviour so he would make sure the one with the soft lap had to work hard givinghim extra stokes while he calmed down and tried to recover from his ordeal.
Worse still was their lack of understanding about his dietary requirements. Everyone knew that you should have your five a day and yet they seemed intent on stopping Bad Dog Booboo from getting his. When he found a lovely bit of sheep poo to eat they would shout and flap their arms. If out on a walk he found some very nutritious horse poo to scoff they would drag him away before he got a full portion. They also stopped him from eating chicken poo, cat poo, rabbit poo, cow poo, deer poo, squirrel poo and fox poo. At this rate he would waste away!
One day they went too far. At breakfast time Bad Dog Booboo showed off his dazzling speed by leaping onto the table and pinching the littlest one’s toast. He was trying to teach her that she would have to guard her food if she wanted to do well in the pack. Did he get any thanks? No he did not. The big growly one growled and took the toast off him and put it in the bin. Bad Dog Booboo longed to get into the bin but he hadn’t worked out how to do that yet.
Then the bigger one with the nice kennel came downstairs so he greeted her properly with a lovely cuddle. Whilst cuddling her he noticed some paper sticking out of her pocket. It was all patterned with purple and had a picture of some woman with a thing on her head on one side. It looked untidy so Bad Dog Booboo pulled it out of the pocket and took it to his bed to chew up into little piece so that he could eat it and there would be no mess. For some reason everyone got all cross and shouty and took the bits away.
The day did not get any better. Bad Dog Booboo had noticed that since the one with the soft lap had put some pongy white things into the little holes in the wall the place smelt dreadful. It made Bad Dog Booboo’s nose itch so it must be upsetting everyone. To help out he spent the morning going about the place cocking his leg and sprinkling lovely perfume all over the place. He sprinkled the table and chairs in the dining room, the cupboards in the kitchen, and the sofa’s in the living room. He had just paused for a drink because it was thirsty work, when the one with the soft lap started shouting. She was shouting more and more and pointing to the lovely little puddles then next thing he knew Bad Dog Booboo had be put out into the garden none too gently. And it was raining.
She seemed to come to her senses eventually and let him back in but she would not let him sit on her nice soft lap to recover so he went and sat in Big Dog Ben’s bed. Big Dog Ben gave Bad Dog Booboo a bath and did not seem at all surprised that the one with the soft lap was angry. Bad Dog Booboo was very confused but he snuggled up to his mother and soon forgot all about it.
When it came to walk time he took his soft lap person out. Jasper came too and he kept getting in Bad Dog Booboo’s way so they would get all tangled up. He wanted to stay out of Jasper’s way because he didn’t like being growled at so he tried to walk in between soft lap’s feet. This seemed to upset her so she kicked him up the bum! Bad Dog Booboo would have been furious but he had spotted some lovely dollops of fresh horse poo just up ahead and he knew he would have to be quick to get a portion of it. He did his best dart and scofftechnique and managed to get a whole scoop of it in before he was dragged away. Cheerfully, he decided to forgive soft lap so when they got home he tried to wash her face to show her he wasn’t cross about her bad behaviour but she wouldn’t let him. There really was no pleasing some people.
That evening when everyone was home the little one left the door to upstairs open. As he seemed to be getting into a lot of trouble today Bad Dog Booboo decided to do something that would really make everyone smile. He trotted up the stairs and went into the bathroom. There he carefully tore three toilet rolls into tiny little pieces that covered most of the floor. It looked beautiful. Very pleased with his work Bad Dog Booboo went back down stairs to wait for someone to notice. He felt sure some sort of reward would be given and he hoped it would be cheese, or ham, or horse poo.
The next thing the big growly one had snatched Bad Dog Booboo out of his bed and marched him back up the stairs. He seemed to want to know if it was indeed Bad Dog Booboo who had made the bathroom look so nice so Bad Dog Booboo barked cheerfully in response. The next thing he knew he was sat outside back into the rain. Sometime later he was allowed back into the house bewildered and bedraggled.
After all of his people had gone to their kennels and the house was dark and quiet Bad Dog Booboo sat and tried to work out why everyone was so grumpy today. He’s done nothing but try to help them out. He’d tried to teach the little quick one about eating your food up quickly, he’d tidied the paper up that was making the one with the nice kennel look scruffy, he’d made the house smell much better, he’d tried not to bother Jasper while they were out walking and he’d decorated the bathroom for them. The only time they had been happy was when Bad Dog Booboo had been running for his life while a killer chicken attacked him! Bad Dog Booboo did not know what to make of it all. He decided that he would try really hard to do something that would cheer every one up tomorrow.
Bad Dog Booboo crept through the house. He nosed open the door to upstairs and snuck up the staircase. He slipped into the smallest one’s kennel and had a look round for a good idea. Then he spotted a lovely teddy bear that she often carried around. She seemed to like it a lot so Bad Dog Booboo decided it would make her very happy if he spread it around her room a bit. How delighted would she be with a bit of bear everywhere? As quietly as he could Bad Dog Booboo pulled the bear to pieces and spread them all over the floor and the bed. Then he silently went to see what he could do to improve the best kennel in the house.
This was hard. The tall one kept her kennel so beautifully that it was hard to see how it could be improved. Bad Dog Booboo sat and thought for a long time and then he had a flash of brilliance. She liked to keep snacks all over the place so he would leave her a lovely snack for in the morning. How could she not love that? Bad Dog Booboo did not have any cheese, or ham, or horse poo and he would not be able to get any until tomorrow. Thinking extra specially hard Bad Dog Booboo decided that as all poo tasted delicious he would leave her some poo of his very own. That would show her how much he loved her so he squatted down on the end of the bed and squeezed out the biggest poo he could manage. Job done, Bad Dog Booboo left feeling very proud of his good idea.
The last kennel was where both soft lap and growly lived so he was sure he could come up with something to please them both. After looking around for a while and having a good sniff about Bad Dog Booboo thought that growly would be really pleased f his shiny black shoes smelled as nice as they looked. Getting up close to the shoe and taking careful aim Bad Dog Booboo sprinkled as much perfume into it as he could manage. Peering into the shoe when he was finished Bad Dog Booboo could see that it wasn’t full but there was a good big puddle inside the shoe. Growly was going to be so pleased when he put his foot in there that it would probably be cheese for breakfast from now on. So it was just soft lap to cheer up. Inspiration struck again and Bad Dog Booboo hopped delicately onto the bed. He was going to curl up and sleep on her pillow. That way she would wake up to his lovely little face and he would be there when everyone found their lovely presents. Yes, this was the perfect plan.
Feeling worn out and very proud of himself Bad Dog Booboo snuggled down in the soft warm pillow and dreamed of all the cheese he would get for being such a clever dog.
